This is just too much

Have y’all been on Facebook lately? Anxiousness and heartbreak is running rampant. My heart breaks for George Floyd and his family. It’s absolutely devastating that another unarmed black man was murdered by the police. It’s unacceptable.

What’s also unacceptable is the constant news coverage of the video. It’s triggering. I was watching the morning news and they said “Now we need to warn you, this video may be upsetting to some of you.” So I close my eyes and cover my daughters eyes as the video starts. I open my eyes and the video is no longer playing but within seconds they show the video again and again and again. If it’s upsetting, why keep playing it? Why must we constantly be bombarded with videos of our brothers and sisters dying? Why is it that videos auto play on social media? One minute I’m watching a funny video about some adorable kids and their parents and the next thing I know I’m being shown a very disturbing video. It’s overwhelming.

Our culture is becoming desensitized to this. We play these videos over and over again. We post article after article. We protest. We chant. We grieve. We repeat the cycle. When will it end? When will I live in a world where I don’t have to worry so much about my fiancé when he’s out of the house? When will I stop having nightmares about being pulled over?

My heart and my mind are tired. This is a very long battle that we’ve been fighting and it seems like there’s no end. Experiencing these situations over and over is causing me to feel hopeless. I feel like I’m stuck in a glass jar with a lid on it and I’m screaming but no one can hear me. My heart aches. My eyes are heavy. My body is fatigued. No one should lose their life in such a manner. And no one should witness such a thing.

All of this is just too much for me right now. I feel numb. When will our lives matter?