My Experiences
I've been thinking about my experiences with racism these past few weeks. Today I just started to write. It may be disorganized but these are my unfiltered thoughts and emotions.
Racism isn’t just being called the “N” word. Racism is alive in big actions and smaller biases. When I look back at my life, I can point out small biases that turned into huge moments for me. People have said things in passing or without thinking and those words have shaped my life.
All my life, I’ve been called an Oreo. People say that I’m black on the outside but I’m white on the inside. They say this because I don’t fit into a stereotypical view of how society sees a black woman. When I’ve gotten angry or frustrated, I’ve been told that my “black is coming out”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Do white people not get angry? Are they peaceable at all times? No. So why is it that when I’m angry, my “black is coming out”? These small comments were made to me when I was very young and they led me to develop some internal hatred for myself. I denied myself and my culture for a long time in order to be acceptable to the white people that I was surrounded by. I’ve finished the end of a racist joke hoping that it would hurt less if my “friends” didn’t finish it. I’ve stared at white people who have said outwardly racists things to me because I couldn’t find the words to express my hurt, my fear, and my disappointment. Disappointment not only in the person who said it, but disappointment in myself for allowing myself to be uncomfortable in these situations in order to make my white friends comfortable.
I remember that I really liked this guy a long time ago. I liked him a lot. I considered him a great friend, but I also wanted to date him. I talked about it to a mutual friend. Our mutual friend went and talked to him and came back to tell me what he said. I was told, “Hey. He promised his dad before he died that he would never date a black girl so he can’t date you.” My heart dropped. I felt stuck. I all of a sudden felt scared and uncomfortable. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I kept thinking, that there was no way that someone could think like that. I mean it was the early 2000s. This can’t be a thing, can it? Oh it was. It was a slap in the face to my reality. No matter how much I tried to be acceptable to my white peers, I was still black and I was viewed as other than.
So as this conversation has been brought to the forefront recently, I’ve had many white friends text me. Some I haven’t responded to, some I have. But from most of the messages that I’ve received, a common theme has been illuminated. Some are not asking about racism in order to change their lives or the course of this nation, they’re asking in order to verify that they’re not racist. They know that they have not said the “N” word but they’re worried that they offended me somehow. Well, I challenge you to do this: Instead of seeking validation from your black friends, check your heart. Check for internal biases. When you see black people on the news, what are your first thoughts? When you see a group of black teens hanging out in the street, what do you think? When you see a black person being suspicious, what makes you think that they’re suspicious? What comments have you made to your black friends in regard to their race? Why are you reaching out to your black friends? Are you genuinely concerned or are you experiencing some guilt? Above all else realize, this is not about you.