March 28, 2021

Sometimes I feel like my bipolar disorder makes me a bad mom and a bad wife. I try so hard to be a good mom and a good wife but then I have days like these where I crawl up in a ball and lay in bed in the fetal position for hours. I continually try to muster up the energy and motivation to get up and do simple tasks only to lay in bed completely numb. Every once in a while I pick up my phone and mindlessly scroll. Before the pandemic, I was able to work 4 10hr days and I had the 5th day to myself to do whatever I needed to do to get myself in a better mental space but my job took away that flexibility with the pandemic. I haven’t been able to find my new normal since. I’ve been overworked and underpaid. I had the gastric sleeve surgery in order to take back my life and that turned out to be a great decision for my physical and mental health but it’s destroying my financially since I’ve had so many complications.  I don’t know. Today is just one of those days where no matter how hard I try I can’t be fully present. Which makes me feel lousy...like a bad mom and a bad wife. My family deserves better and I’m trying to get there. 

I guess I’m currently in this soul crushing cycle. I’m feeling burned out at work but I can’t quit because I have financial obligations so I keep working and keep getting burned out. All the while my mental health is suffering. One day I’ll break out of this cycle…I just don’t see an end quite yet.