Finding Purpose Amongst Chaos
Wow. 2020 is not anything like I expected it. I would be lying if I said that I’m not disappointed or frustrated with how this year has turned out so far. I had so many expectations and now I’m trying to figure out what my next step is. I know that I’m not the only one.
I’ve been running from my purpose for quite some time. I’ve felt called to write for years but I kept second guessing my worth and ultimately I kept questioning God’s call for my life. It’s funny because I’ve been so inspired to write lately but I’ve been “distracted”, a.k.a doing everything but writing this. I’ve sat here with my computer in my lap for hours but I’ve watched multiple Youtube videos. I’ve checked Facebook way too many times. I’ve worked on my logo and even began to create a t-shirt! I did all of that to avoid writing this. I watched Brené Brown’s Netflix special this afternoon. She explained the importance of vulnerability and man do I feel vulnerable now.
I started 2020 with so many hopes and dreams. I hoped that I’d be speaking at churches and corporate events about the importance of mental health. I wanted to use my experiences to help change the trajectory of people’s lives and to break the stigma of mental health. I planned to launch my website in March and to hopefully start speaking at various events throughout the summer. Boy! Was I wrong!?
I’ve felt a strong sense of confusion recently. I’ve questioned God about my purpose because nothing is turning out like I thought it would. March turned out to be the WORST month to launch my website. I switched from seeking out public speaking engagements to blogging. I’ve poured money, time and effort into this website without seeing any profits. I’ve started wondering, “God, is this really what you would have for me? Why did I finally follow Your call just to land straight on my face?”
Now, don’t get me wrong. Writing is my first love. I love to write and blogging is very cathartic for me. But turning my ability to communicate effectively into a business is new territory and is honestly so scary. Also, I thought my focus was going to be on mental health but I’ve felt called to write about the church and racism. I keep thinking, “Did I misunderstand what God was saying to me?”
The chaos in this world has really taken it’s toll on me this week. I’ve found myself trying to find other avenues to pursue my dreams and to create extra income I’ve looked at going back to school for another degree and I’ve also considered taking coaching courses in order to build my business. I’ve struggled internally with wanting to do something for the Lord while also making a profit. I’ve started to question God’s purpose for my life again.
I’m human. I have faults. I trust God and then in the next second I question Him. I pray that one day, in my path to sanctification, that I won’t question God because when I question Him, I doubt whether I’m “Christian” enough to fulfill my purpose. But that’s the beauty of it all. All throughout the Bible, God used fault filled human beings to bring Him glory. He used every day human beings to spread His message and to help relate to His children.
So, I don’t have to be good enough, because He’s good enough. I don’t have to be faultless because He was without sin. I just have to take one step at a time and follow His lead, even if I have no idea where I’m headed. 2020 hasn’t started off the best for me, but I’m starting to have faith that it’ll end way better than it started.